So strange how quickly everything is changing. It’s almost as if before I even get to comprehend the fact that something is here, it goes away, walks away, fades away. Lately I’ve been so obsessed with capturing moments and storing memories that I’ve forgotten to appreciate all of the small things and each moment while it is happening. It’s officially 2013. How scary is that? The year I have waited for my entire life is finally here. It feels like just yesterday I was running around with my only care being who could get to the big oak tree at the bottom of the street first or what my mom was making for dinner. It is not until you’re actually living in the future that it hits you; Now. This year, almost all of my friends will be moving around the country. Studying abroad, attending schools in different states, meeting new people, forgetting old ones. Maybe this is just the change I’ve needed. New start. But if that’s the case, why do I feel so hallow? So empty? So frightened? Perhaps it is just the weight of the world all on my shoulders at once. Or maybe I am not ready? I don’t know. Fingers crossed.
4:00 am on a Saturday morning. I grab a hot cup of coffee that still burns the tip of my tongue. Thoughts run rampant in my mind, like a carousel, the spinning never stops. Perhaps I am wired incorrectly? Maybe while I was being graced with the opportunity to breathe, I was degraded by my inability to feel. It does not make sense, none of this makes sense. How the present is constantly affected by a past which alters a future, how my hands shake at the thought of commitment, how my knees buckle at the feel of your touch. My head depicts underlying messages in your every sentence, my eyes observe every single stare.
The clock reads 4:08 and the steam is still visible. I grab you by the hand and let you in. You explore places in my mind that I thought were unreachable. You make me feel things I thought were unattainable. I open my mouth and my guts poor onto the floor, speaking of all the things I never spoke of before.
6 am on a Saturday morning. You’re gone.
You see, the problem is not suffering itself or oblivion itself but the depraved meaninglessness of these things, the absolutely inhuman nihilism of suffering. People had been working for so many years to make the world a safe, organized place. Nobody realized how boring it would become. With the whole world property-lined, speed-limited, zoned, taxed and regulated, with everyone tested, registered, addressed, and recorded, nobody had left much room for adventure, except maybe the kind you could buy. On a roller coaster. at a movie. Still, it would always be that kind of faux excitement. You know the dinosaurs aren’t going to eat the kids, the test audiences have outvoted any chance of even a major faux disaster. Because there’s no possibility of real disaster, real risk, we’re left with no chance for real salvation. Real elation. Real excitement. Joy. Discovery. Invention. The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom. Without access to true chaos, we’ll never have true peace. We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it’s our job to invent something better.
I spent the last couple days laying in the sun with great people. I drank until I couldn’t see straight, I laughed until I could barely breathe. I sat on the patio and watched the storm roll in over the city until the steam from my coffee was not visible anymore. I would say that summer is my favorite season, but I don’t think I have one. I have favorite feelings. One of which is using the grass as my pillow and waking up to the sweet buzz that fills the air right before the world wakes up and everything holds it’s breath. It’s been a year now, a year since I thought my life completely crashed before my eyes. For the first time in a while I thought about you. I thought about where I would be ten years from now and if we would meet again in some old coffee house or a random place. I would tell you about my job at the hospital and you would tell me about your trips you’ve taken and the music you have played. You with your charming smile and me and my fearless dreams. I have said time and time again that I was over you, swearing up and down that I was actually. Those were the steps. It wasn’t until I thought about the lessons, the hurt, the pain, the adventure that you brought along with you that I am able to thank you. That, above all else, is closure. Life is about the small things like sticking your toes in the sand or the teary-eyed goodbyes. There will be plenty of days for leaving but just as many for coming. There will be days spent underneath covers, praying and wishing to disappear and then there will be days to crawl tooth and nail out of hell to try again. Days for wondering where you belong and days to remember all the places you’ve already been accepted. Days you want to erase, and some for memories to be created. In the midst of all these moments, I’m finally living. I get those bursts of happiness where you’ll be running and before you know it, without even knowing it, you will begin to skip. I’ll sing in the shower, I’ll smile for no reason at all. I don’t know. And for the first time in my life, I think that’s okay.
Summer needs to slow down, and I mean really slow down. It’s already almost mid July and I have yet to complete half the things on my summer bucket list. Every morning it’s the same thing; sunglasses, wearing the same clothes from the night before, and trips to get coffee. Every single night it’s a celebration. I don’t think I am partying just because it is summer, rather because I am free. I celebrate myself and how everything that has happened in the past year has been for a reason. As it was happening, there was no way in hell that I thought I would be smiling and laughing at the little things. Sadness engulfed me and that’s all I knew. I think life starts when you have your first real laugh at yourself. When you can stop in your tracks and just laugh, laugh at the how naive and young you were, laugh at how much you put up with, laugh at nothing at all, that’s when everything finally makes sense. Things happen so we can grow. People change and adjust according to their surroundings and opportunities. Relationships will start perfectly and end completely horrible. You’ll lose that one person who you thought would always be there. You’ll change, I’ll change, and everything that seemed familiar will suddenly feel empty and strange. So all we have is this moment, why not make the best of it?